Why are you putting your head through a fence.
So the end of the night left me naked from the waist down crawling down the corridor with the night wardens talking to my flatmates about my wellbeing…
Well being a Monday it clearly was a mustard Monday. To people who don’t live near me it’s a club (practically a bar). It just gets ridiculously messy. I think they have illegal vodka. I’m almost sure. Started getting ready all cramped in mels room again. 5 girls trying to dress, tan, get showered, do hair and make up in one room. We’re like sardines. It’s a good job we’re comfortable with each other the amount of times I’ve seen them naked is far too high. I think that’s the only recurring thing that happens on a night out.
So we start drinking, obviously out of my massive glass. I like my things big.
Started off with just a woo woo (vodka and peach schnapps) so wasn’t really feeling anything for a while. Then we got out the drinking games and you basically know shit will go down. A litre bottle of vodka and a bottle of peach schnapps we were wasted. Wanting to play ring of fire but having no playing cards I went on a mission and found some in upstairs’ flat laid out of the table ready for them. Quickly taking them and running. I have never spoken to them in my life. Sorry if your reading this.
Around 11 it was time to go out and after bribing the taxi to give us it half price just for the entertainment and singing, we arrived. I needed some cash
Out and when I got to the door I saw becky being escorted out by the bouncers as she was kicking and screaming telling them they are wankers. Then Mia arguing with them about them touching her bum and Stacey crying because they wouldn’t let Becky back in. Why are h nights always full of drama. Having some talent in life with talking my way out of situations I attempted talking to the bouncers. He started complaining about his tooth and for some unknown reason I pretended I was a dentist and from somewhere in my brain spouted a load of crap about which molar it was and how it had cracked to do a shift in his filling. They calmed down and eventually let them in but as I was sorting his tooth out he let me in for free. Bonus. I was also called Jessica which is my vaginas name. Good job I don’t get id’d.
I went to the bar and ordered a quadruple ameretto shot. He just looked at me like a freak. I looked over and saw Mel and Sophie dancing to the video recorder full on Beyoncé.
After that the rest of the night is a blur and from what I remember it disturbs me. I remember seeing the boy I had sex with the week before and harassing him trying to make him come to mine. I think he was just embarrassed at the whole thing. Awkward.
I remember going to toilet with Sophie and he being that drunk she couldn’t put her tampon in. Me nearly gagging had to put it in for her. I know we have a close friendship but not that close.
When I returned to the bar this 50 year old sweaty fat man tried to talk to me literally gurning over his glasses. I was quite scared I grabbed Mel and he ordered 6 sambucca shots. Probably spiked excuse for the night. I thought he was buying more so ordered 5 vodka cranberries he walked away. Most expensive bar order I’ve had at mustard.
He had gone back to join his wife I think. They looked like they had got lost on the way to the library.
Everything else is a blur it ended up being the end of the night how I don’t know and I was chilling with a 70 year old as he tried to lick my face. I like older men but that’s a little too far. Ended up losing all my friends and staggering out to find good old bitchy Mitchy waiting for me as per. He dropped me off and I heard a tap on ye window from two security looking people. I was kissing all over his face and my leggings had come down a bit. It did look like dogging.
The made me get out as I realised they were the Christian night wardens. I stole the women’s corduroy hat and tried to run but I couldn’t walk too well so I stopped and laid down. They had to help me up and assist me home at this time I was putting my head though the fences shouting ‘helloooo helloo’ they wasn’t amused. They were convinced I had taken something and sat me down like a child asking me. I was like ‘runnnnnn’. They grabbed me and the man fireman lifted me into my flat. This was when I took my knickers off and ran around dragging myself along the carpet. I think I need sectioning.
I had to have a meeting with the health and wellbeing team the next day. I made it on the uni’s concern list. I also got a call from my manager that I sent him a picture of my one boob. Nipple and everything.
I need help.
Roll on tonight. I also found a doorknob in my bag #unsure